As a 65-year-old, I became an orphan this month.
Both of my parents died within 13 days of each other. It was hard to watch and even
harder to experience.
There were some days I had never felt more alone and
others when I had never felt more loved. I received so many sympathy cards from
friends and extended family; they filled my dining room table and peppered my
living room end tables.
During my parents’ last few days, my kids were at
the hospital with me regularly. While this helped tremendously and calmed me, there
was this nagging sensation in my soul that marked the end of something great. I
believe it was the finality of the relationships I had with my parents.
Growing up, I was not the closest with my mom. It’s
a long, long story, but one I hope to write about someday. As she grew older
and dementia set in, I no longer felt tension when I spent time with her. I
only felt pity for a short time and then forgiveness. The forgiveness was
freeing for me as I saw her with God’s eyes. A helpless, lonely, little old
lady who pushed those away she loved. It was difficult seeing her digress so
quickly into not knowing who I was. Then, watching as her body gave in to the
disease, and she refused to eat or drink.
On the other hand, my dad was a tall, lanky guy with
a sharp wit and intelligence. I loved to take him for rides to places he’d
never been. My kids came to see him and would bring him his favorite chocolate
malt or chocolate kisses. I loved that man with a passion. He always
represented silent strength to me. Watching him go from that to a stroke victim
with a broken leg overnight was devastating. He could no longer talk; he could
only communicate with us by squeezing my hand in response to yes or no
questions. After three days, that ability was gone, too.
Losing both parents in a short amount of time left
me feeling that I’d been deserted or orphaned. Oh, I know I have many around me
to comfort me, cheer me up, and soothe those feelings. But I’m praying God
heals this section that feels like a hole has been unplugged and a part of me
is seeping out.
There are no strangers,
there are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah
There are no orphans of God
(Lyrics from Avalon)
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but Hallelujah
There are no orphans of God
(Lyrics from Avalon)
1 comment:
I had many emotions surrounding death. I had three Grandparents pass away in a fourteen month period. I sang at all three funerals, the first of which I almost totally broke down during the last song, "Beyond The Sunset". I came to the last note, gave a large shake throughout my body. I then thanked the organist and slipped over to where the family was sitting, still crying. By the time the last one happened I was kind numb. I called the Pastor to tell him Grandpa had passed away. There wasn't much emotion as I sang for this one. The Lord gave me strength to see this through.
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